From C, far away in Puerto Rico:
"We paddled to the opposite side of the lake and turned around for the most picturesque moment imaginable. The moon peaked up gradually through the densely interwoven branches. It was so many layers of beautiful piled one on top of the other. The moon, the silhouetted mangrove trees, the serenity of a secluded bay brought alive by the playful kyakers splashing around in amazement. Wonder filled the moment.
"'Que romantico,' I thought, but as soon as I thought it, I realized that I didn't want you. I wanted for you. I don't know if any of your tongues have subjunctives, but I knew them before anyone taught me how to call it. Subjunctive is a construction for dreams, for desires, for aspirations. Irreducible and untranslatable, there are many tenses for possibility in Spanish. This one is forged out of unpredictability of the future an galvanized in hope. What is special about the subjunctive amid the myriad of possibilities is that the subject must be different from the object. It is the way you want something for someone else that is entirely different from how you want something for yourself. It is the opposite of agency, wanting something for someone that you acknowledge is not yours to give.
"I wanted that night for you in way that I've only wanted things for children. In the way that I want for my brother. In the way that I want for my sangha*. It's the purest intention I know how to feel. And I wish I could say I wanted Seattle for you in that same way. Or else I wish I could honestly say I wanted Brattleboro for you. But all I can say is that I love you. That I want you. I want you with me. And despite myself, I want to make you happy.
"I want to know more about this place, about how supportive the community can be, about how right it feels. Maybe I can learn to wish it for you, but I can't guarantee you I won't be sad in the meantime?
Chlirissa"
*sangha = "Buddhist term for a community made up of all people who are seeking liberation, regardless of which path they are following to get there" ~C
And from my reply:
"The subjunctive is my favorite tense, too. I remember learning it in the worst French class I ever took, with the dreadful Madame Pizzi. She was a short woman with perfectly coiffed hair, and she hated the French 3 Honors class with venom. She also taught Spanish, and was rumored to favor her Spanish kids over her French ones. But the one thing she praised me for the entire year was my quick mastery of le subjonctif.
"See, I knew the subjunctive years before I started learning other languages. My grandparents speak in it constantly, and my childhood is filled with "Dana, I want you should do your homework, right now!" and "Dandoo, do you want I should make you some snack?" and "Girls, I want you should stop that right now!" Using it takes the bite out of a scolding like nothing else.
"She taught me what it meant to obey out of love rather than fear - I thought it might somehow hurt her if she were ever really forced to yell at me like my parents, so I listened. In that way, we developed a relationship that was almost symbiotic, to this place where it hurts me to leave her more than my mother. My father cut my mother and me apart when I was born, but somehow, the cords between Mammy and me were left to grow. We're like tomatoes and ivy that managed to share the same fence over the years - intertwined.
"I had no idea I felt this way about the subjunctive, but I almost started crying reading your letter here in some Seattle coffee shop. And I feel the same way, wanting for you the happiness that won't come for some time. My mother (and others) keep reminding me that if things are meant to be, they will be. But I've never believed in that kind of fate, that kind of acceptance. I've grown to believe we make our own magic, and without a chance to work at it, then we might as well say goodbye. Oh, don't be scared, darlin, I don't plan on saying goodbye to you. I'm just frustrated.
"But the subjonctif, subjuntivo, that's a kind of work, nu? A kind of magic-making, in the realms of prayer and intentions and dreams. Maybe that's where you will exist for me for the next while - in my dreams, the world of wanting for.
"I want to write a poem based on your letter, with whole chunks of it lifted almost verbatim. I want to post this exchange on my blog so everyone can see how smart and beautiful we are. Mostly, I want to climb to the roof of my grandmother's garage (where I spent most of my childhood) and sit there, relishing your letter over and over again until she comes out to tell me she wants I should set the table.
Love, oh, so much,
~D
2 comments:
Unfair to local 12....
YVLF who wanted no one from the start of your life with us to due you harm.
No, of course not. I never meant to imply that anyone in my family has hurt me. I know how loved and lucky I am. I was trying to illustrate the connection Mammy and I have by using the physical image as a contrast.
That said, what I wrote is true: I obeyed my parents because I was scared of the consequences of disobedience. I've never disobeyed my grandparents, mostly because it seemed unfair to put them through that kind of ugliness. Plus, they spoiled us rotten.
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