It's odd. Fasting was easier than ever this year. The services were shorter. I slept in between them, so I wasn't bored or too focused on being hungry. I delved further into the liturgy and found new meaning in the texts. I made up new harmonies, and got to belt them out (sometimes to the cantor's amusement). I enjoyed singing all my favorite High Holy Day tunes, and hearing the rabbi and the cantor harmonize with each other. I even had a 14 year old boy next to me who asked me questions about the prayers, and we "did some learning" as the Jews say. He was such a great kid, so patient and hungry and interested in understanding, exploring.
But I don't feel the same sense of peace that I usually feel at the end of Yom Kippur, and I think I know why. The rabbi cut out a lot of the personal, silent Amidot (meditations) to make shorter services, and skipped to the out-loud Amidah, which is a repetition of what you've already done silently. I don't agree with this practice, despite the fact that the only other way to shorten services is to skip out-loud prayers. I'm not sure I agree with shortening already-shortened services, to be honest.
Usually, I can't focus during the first several silent Amidot. I look around the room, I fidget, my brain jumps from topic to topic, I mentally gossip about the other congregants, then chastise myself for being petty...usually this happens until about an hour and a half into the service (usually the 3rd Amidah or so) and finally, my brain begins to slow down and focus. Only then do I finally get to the big questions of Yom Kippur: What wrongs have I done this year? What good can I do next year? From whom have I not yet asked forgiveness? To whom have I not granted forgiveness? For what am I thankful? Did I believe in G-d this year? How have I changed? etc etc etc.
But this year, there were no chances to slow down and meditate. Instead, we rushed from song to song, cracking the whip to meet our deadlines. And at the time, I didn't mind. I wanted to eat as much as everyone else did. I was grateful for the cuts.
But here I am, finally full, but without much peace. I don't feel spiritually ready to begin this year. I could take some time on my own to do that kind of meditation. I probably will, by journaling, or some other way. But I'm disappointed, because when we set aside entire days for prayer and reflection as a community, doesn't it make sense to actually do the thing completely? What's the point, otherwise? To show up and have our heads counted?
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I think it's very hard to walk away from YK feeling completely atoned-for and satisfied. And this is natural, because the task at hand is really impossible, is it not? To be completely and fully at peace with the sins you've done and the behaviors you are trying to change? It's the eventual change in behavior and in thinking that means you've made complete tshuva, so unless you had an incredibly productive Elul (I didn't), there's no way you can feel that way now. The point is to aim for it, I think.
But I felt this way too, dissatisfied and nervous. "will I be able to do tshuva still? will any amount of journalling and talking to my friends and family really get me there?" I think we have to just do what we can, and then really change our future actions and embody the change we've been praying for. Whether it's before or after YK. I'd love to have a tshuva talk if you skype.
And man, if you are ever in Israel for the Chaggim, I have a great service you can go to that runs 6:45-6:45, no break, that this year only cut out one silent amidah and sang 90% of the rest of it. Incredible stuff. Israel is really ruining me for the conservative movement...
Yeah.
I've never been to a shortened Yom Kippur service, and I don't think I'd want to. To be honest, I don't see the point. Because like you said, if we're going to set aside this day to pray, why not do it completely? It's not like we have to finish up quickly so we can go home and eat.
It's the same reason why the Rosh Hashana services we did at Smith always kind of bugged me. We'd skip out on a lot of the private meditation stuff because we were rushing to be done by 1 so we could go to the picnic. Of course, it's a bit different because on Rosh Hashana you are trying to finish up so you can eat. But I tended to come out of those services feeling a bit unsatisfied, like I hadn't quite gotten enough of the time I needed to reflect.
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